(Subtitled: Why half a litre of coffee and listening to the Squirrel Nut Zippers at 7AM is a really BAD idea.)
"Lance is an athlete unlike any other!"
- Gabriele, BICYCLING Magazine's Facebook page.
Of course he is! Haven't you heard? Lance Armstrong has escaped the bounds of mere mortality to transcend anything beyond what we understand humanity to be. Seven Tours de France weren't good enough for him...no sir!
Lance Armstrong solved the subprime mortgage crisis while shaving his legs!
Lance Armstrong Twittered the location of AF447's black box to the National Transportation Safety Board while climbing an 8% grade! (See, he doesn't hate the French!)
Lance Armstrong had a good reason for draining the water table around his ranch - how can a guy practice walking on water without having a sizeable practice area? That'd be like training for the Tour in the parking lot of the local public school!
Lance Armstrong convinced Gordon Ramsay to stop swearing!
Lance Armstrong, to prepare for the climbs in the Pyrenees, lost 6kg of muscle overnight simply by sheer willpower and by dancing nonstop to the soundtrack of "Hairspray"!
Lance Armstrong was just awarded a PhD in philosophy for his thesis "Wittgenstein's Existential Interpretation of Parent-Child Relationships: The Harry Potter Dilemma."
Lance Armstrong is dating the Queen of England! WITH Prince Philip's blessing!
Lance Armstrong brings puppies back from the dead!
No, sir. Contador's days as a mere rider are numbered, and as for the other guys in the pelotón, especially the Americans, they might as well slouch home with their rear derailleurs between their legs and keep their fingers crossed that someone'll pony up the money for a bike shop or something like that. All bow down before the greatness of Lance Armstrong! Embrace your inner Lanceness! Armstrong Über Alles!
(With kudos and thanks to THE ONION, Paul Rudnick, Christopher Buckley, and those brainless Lanceamaniacs who haven't seen one friggin' stage of the Tour in their LIVES and who keep clogging up cycling forums around the world. You guys are an endless source of inspiration. Go Wiggo, Conta, Miller, Zabriskie, Christian and Sastre.)
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